Is there anything more memorable than your first true
love? Okay, I’m sure there is, like your wedding day, the birth of a child,
college graduation … the list could go on and on. But a first real, true love
holds a special position in the memory banks of anyone, especially a romantic
who looks upon yesterdays at certain times of his life with great joy for the
nostalgia of it all.
My first true love was Tara and I met her during my
senior year of high school, a particularly interesting time in my life. I am
sure that senior year of high school is an interesting time in anyone’s life,
but for me, it will always hold a special place in my collective psyche. Senior
year was a time of change and uncertainty. I was certain that I was not going
to college after high school, me and school were never the best of friends, and
I was unsure what I was going to do after graduation. For most of my senior
year the goal was just to finish and get out of there. It’s not that I hated
high school, but I always felt that there was somewhere else I needed to be.
This was a plague that would haunt me for several years of my early adult life.
I met Tara at the Roy Rogers restaurant we worked in. I
had gotten a job at a location further away from my hometown Roy’s because I heard
they needed experienced help and there was a chance to make a little more money
per hour. I think I went from $4.25 to $4.85 an hour, which was a huge windfall
at that time in my life. So, I put in for a transfer to that store where a
couple of other friends had gone to work. The commute was a little longer, but
I was young and had my own vehicle, so the drive was no big deal to me. I
started at the end of the summer just before my senior year of high school
would begin.
That same summer, Wilson Phillips roared onto the
Billboard charts with their huge hit single, “Hold On.” The song was everywhere
and became one that you couldn’t escape. It was on MTV. It was on every other
radio station. And it was played all over the shopping malls. Needless to say,
the song got stuck in my head and I had to own the album. Even though I was a
metal head by preference, I did like other styles of music thanks to my
parents. Pop, jazz, country, R&B, I was enamored by it all. If it was good
music, it was okay by me. I never did like classifying songs into genres.
Wilson Phillips was a vocal group that consisted of
Carnie Wilson, Wendy Wilson, and Chynna Phillips who were the daughters of
Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys (Carnie and Wendy) and John and Michelle
Phillips of the Mamas and the Papas (Chyna Phillips). With that much genetic
talent there was no way this group wasn’t going to be anything but spectacular.
And thus, on the strength of their huge hit single, I did purchase a copy of
the album that summer. I played it a lot and really got into it during the
summer, but I did not fall in love with the record until I fell in love with Tara.
It was at that point that my romantic side took over and I listened to this
album nonstop for the entire fall of 1990.
Working in a fast food restaurant as a teenager allowed a
lot of time for goofing off and drama. And for trying to land dates with
members of the opposite sex. Such was the way for Tara and I. There was an
instant attraction the first time that we met and I’d like to believe that we
both knew it. There was a spark in the air and some sort of magic that we were
both overcome by. I don’t remember how our first date occurred; I’m not sure if
I asked her to go the mall with me (a big thing back in the day), or if she
invited me to hang out at her house, I just remember that as my final year of
high school began, I found myself spending more and more time with Tara. And
most of that time was spent either at work or at her house when we weren’t
working.
I shared a level of comfort with Tara that I did not have
with many people, especially with girls. Up until that point in my life, my
relationships with females consisted of picking the wrong girl, trying to get
dates with girls who already had boyfriends, or being flat out rejected for
trying to land a girl that was way out of my league. I had tenacity, that’s for
sure, but tenacity never got me a girl and it certainly didn’t get me a
meaningful relationship. All of that changed in the fall of 1990 when it
started getting serious.
I would spend all my non-working, non-school hours at
Tara’s house. Her parents liked me a lot. Her brother liked me a lot. And her
friends adored me. I was closest with her mom, and with her best friend, April.
I can remember spending many an afternoon that fall drinking coffee, smoking
cigarettes, and just bullshitting about life in general. Her mother was very
accepting and approving of me which made me feel wonderful. There was a bond
forming there that I hadn’t had with anyone in my entire life. Tara and I grew
closer as the fall wore on and I entertained thoughts of us being a serious
couple for many years to come.
When I wasn’t hanging at Tara’s, working, or sleeping, I
was listening to Wilson Phillips. I had transferred the CD to tape and listened
to it in my car all the time. On my way to school. On my way to work. And
especially on my way to Tara’s house. “Hold On” was the first song to take hold
on me, but I quickly discovered all the other gems that this album contained.
Basically, every song was massive and amazing and I fell in love with all of
them over time. “Hold On” gave way to “Release Me” which led me to “Impulsive”
which was a song that spoke to me on many levels. Of course, it would! I was
falling in love with a girl and this song told me all about what that was like.
Lines like “Now you’re running away with my heart” and “I don’t want to analyze
what I’m doing here” hit me over the head like a rubber mallet. I didn’t want
to admit it to myself due to my past track record, but I was falling in love
with this girl. I had never felt safer with anyone than I did with her in my
arms. There was a sense of belonging, a feeling of security, and plenty of
moments of bliss whenever I was around her. She had captured my heart. And even
though I wanted to remain impulsive and resist the urge to fall in love
(because, honestly, only bad things could happen), I couldn’t help myself. Tara
had taken my heart and I was left to wonder what was going to happen now that
she had it.
I think my strong feelings scared Tara because she often
told me how she was worried about hurting me. She didn’t want to hurt me, but
she had her own previous track record as well and it wasn’t a great one. She
came with her own baggage and past heartache. And while I didn’t believe that
would or should affect me, she felt that it would and that caused her to be
extremely cautious with our relationship.
“Ooh You’re Gold” was another Wilson Phillips song that
carried a lot of meaning for that fall. While Tara was worried she was going to
hurt me, I felt that she was the most wonderful person in the entire universe.
Sure, I probably had blinders on when it came to her, but I couldn’t help it. I
was fascinated with her. Wilson Phillips said it best for me: “All I really
need you to know, is ooh you’re gold.” She was gold to me. And platinum. And
every other precious metal placed on Earth. She was amazing. She was everything
that I ever wanted in a partner, everything that I wanted in life. I honestly
believed that life couldn’t get any better than those late afternoons in her
kitchen, slurping coffee, smoking cigarettes, ruminating on life, and waiting
for her mom to come home from work. Those really were some of the best days of
my life.
And my relationship with Tara affected all my other
relationships. I still worked as much as I could, and I kept my grades up to
the best of my abilities (I was a B/C student most of my academic career), but
I stopped spending time with my other friends. I practically forgot about my
guy buddies. And I barely ever saw my mother. She mentioned that to me on the
rare occasions that I did see her, but what was I to do? I was twiterpated as
the wise old owl told Bambi in the Disney movie. Tara had consumed my life and
I was all too happy to drink it in and let it happen. That autumn was a magical
one that I hoped would never end.
Sadly, like all things in life, it did come to an end.
And as the brisk, bright days of the golden fall made way for the gloomy, gray
days of December, our relationship took a turn for the worse. It wasn’t
anything that I did. I still believe that to this day. It was just that Tara
was scared to get so serious in such a short period of time. Every time I tried
to discuss it with her, she changed or avoided the topic. She wasn’t having any
of it and I was getting more confused by the day. What was happening to us?
Then the fateful night came. Tara wrote me a letter. A long, long letter. One
that I still have somewhere in the depths of my collection of personal effects
from years gone by. Tara sent me home with the letter and told me to read it
when I got there. Which of course, I obliged. I don’t remember the exact
contents and I did not pull it out for this reflection, but I remember the
gist. It explained how she had hurt others in the past and how she had been
hurt in the past. And then the inevitable was written in it. She told me that
she didn’t want me to fall in love with her because she wasn’t in love with me
and didn’t think she ever could be. Sure, she loved me, but she wasn’t in love
with me. Ouch. That hurt. A lot. The sting of it was real, but the shock of it
was worse. I thought everything was A-Okay and then I got hit upside the head
with an aluminum baseball bat. Where did that come from?
After reading the contents of the letter I put on my
Wilson Phillips CD and sat in my bed, stunned. I remember listening to “Release
Me” several times in a row, letting the music wash over me and listening to the
lyrics. It was time for a change, can you release me? The lines “Come on baby,
you knew it was time to just let go, cause we want to be free” hit home hard.
And hurt. I realized in listening to that song what Tara was saying in her
letter. She wanted to be free. She didn’t want to be tied down. Most likely due
to her own fears, but whether that was true or not, didn’t matter. It was over.
How could I read a letter like that and expect that we were still going to be
the same as we ever were? Things had changed between us forever and it just
sucked.
Inevitably, our relationship ended. I just couldn’t go
through with it anymore knowing that I wanted something so much different than
she did. Of course, Tara told me that we could still be together, but we
couldn’t be serious. I told her that I just didn’t work that way. I was cut
from a different cloth that was clearly made in a separate factory from hers.
We weren’t going to be able to work it out her way, so we just had to go our
separate ways. Which was terrible, but needed to be done.
I spent that Christmas alone, which stung, and I
reminisced about my fall over the entire winter break. Wondering if I could
have done anything different. Wondering if I had stayed with her, if I could
have eventually made her see things my way. Wondering if, given enough time,
she would fall in love with me too. Who’s to say?
I also spent the entire winter break listening to Wilson
Phillips from start to finish repeatedly (along with Neil Diamond and The
Beatles Let It Be). By this time, all the songs spoke to me on some level and every song reminded me of her. Every
song reminded me of what I had. Every song reminded me of what could have been.
Why did she have to be so scared? “Next To You (Someday I’ll Be)” was the song
I played the most, because it spoke of hope and change and the possibility that
things could change and be different in the future. Perhaps there was a chance
for us? Someday I’ll be … next to you. I was hoping and I was keeping the
candle burning, because one day, someday, it was going to happen.
It didn’t. Tara and I kept in touch off and on for the
next couple of years, but we never rekindled our relationship (which was
probably for the best). When I moved to Florida to figure my life out after
high school, we lost touch all together and I’ve not seen her since. And though
I’ve tried, she’s can’t be found on social media (at least not through my
searches) and google doesn’t reveal anything at all. I like to think she got
married, changed her name, went on to have a wonderful family and is living the
good life. I always wished for only the best for her.
I’ve often been tempted to drive by her old house and see
if her parents are still there. It’s been 25 years since I last visited that
house, so it’s highly unlikely, but part of me wants to do it just to say that
I did. Not that I wish to rekindle something from so long ago now. I am a
happily married man with a wonderful life of my own. But I always wonder what
happened to her. How did her story turn out? And of course, any time I hear
Wilson Phillips I think of Tara. I think of that magical autumn we spent
together and I think of how perfect my life was at that moment. There have been
similar moments in my life since then, but I don’t think any of them have been
so perfect for so long. Part of that was because I was so youthful back then
and had my whole future ahead of me. Part of that was because I was spending
every free moment with a girl that I thought of as my best friend. The teenage
heart is filled with much. Romanticism being a big part of that.
Occasionally, when the autumn chill settles in and I find
myself alone for an hour or so with no pressing deadlines, I like to pull out
my Wilson Phillips CD and let it play. I usually grab a cup of coffee (I don’t
smoke anymore) and just wander down memory lane. The feeling is both nice and
cutting all at once. And, of course, I wonder. What if? What could have been.
What would have become. I guess I’ll never know and that’s okay. My life turned
out pretty good in the end to say the least.
